Rejected Ideas

Sometimes people ask me “What’s your process?” which I usually take to mean something like “how do you get ideas.”

My general theory of ideas is that good ones are impossible to generate. Or at least, they’re impossible to generate in the way you might generate a cake. With enough practice baking a cake, you know the methods and ingredients to get it right every time. Trying to write is more like trying to go on a first date. You can have all the right methods and ingredients, and it still won’t work, and the possible reasons for failure are many.

So, your best bet is (1) to become good at generating lots of ideas and (2) editing your really terrible ideas out. (1) is mostly accomplished by thinking, reading, and experiencing. (2) is just practice and giving your editor-brain a lot to work with.

I thought it might be interesting to some of you to see my lists of ideas, some of which become comics and some of which are rejected. The following are all the ideas from June 2013, roughly in the order they were created. This is a little like getting naked in front of an audience, so… YEEHAW!

 

1043

 

1

robot with robot friends

robot: i just don’t know if he likes me. plus, he’s an irrational human, there’s no way to know if he’ll suddenly try to kill me even though it’s not in his self interest.

 

2

human with human friends

human: i just don’t know if she likes me. plus, she’s an ultra-rational robot. there’s no way to know if she’ll suddenly try to kill me because she calculates it’s in her self interest

 

3

robot with robot friends

robot: unless we can calculate

 

4

human with robot friends

human: unless we can calculate

 

5

both: for love

 

6

(old man in movie theater with young woman)

old man: romantic comedies were better back when they only had humans!

girl: SHH! grampa, that’s racist!

_____

 

1

header: a chemical was developed to allow asexual reproduction

scientist: the serum causes human gametes to spontaneously double their chromosomes and begin self-assembly

 

2

header: this was a boon for many people unable to conceive

(happy couple)

 

3

header: but it also resulted in sexual antagonism

man talks to woman

man: wait. wait. i could be producing 60 million offspring a day. what am i doing with you?

 

4

header: males became k strategists, while females became r strategists

(left panel)

man: i’m your dad, so i don’t have favorites. however, i hope the weakest 95% of you are eaten by your superior brothers

(right panel)

woman with giant offspring

woman: she’s ten feet tall. did she not get enough food?

 

<<is this even vaguely funny? should i continue?>>>

 

_____

 

man in suit prepares rifle

man: oh, don’t worry. the bullets are made of diamond. they’re worth more than the victims could get by suing me. now, let’s go to the park and have some fun.

 

caption: this is why i shouldn’t be rich.

 

1044

headline: mysterious villain’s strikes again. death toll in billions

lower down: masked man says ‘i will attack when you most suspect it’

 

panel caption: if i ever become a supervillain, my name will be “natural causes.”

 

_____

 

1

student: i’m not doing well on this test. how about you show me the right answer first, and then i tell you why they were right, and I grade myself based on that?

 

2

professor: maybe you’re not cut out for physics. may i make a recommendation?

 

3

student in front of economics department, looking dejected

 

4

header: soon…

student: i’ve figured out a proof that the most recent war was justifiable!

professor 2: let me see

 

5

professor: this assumes infinite time, infinite money, and sets the value of life as 0

student: yeah, it really simplifies things

 

6

student in front of physics department, looking dejected

 

_____

 

boss: what’s your greatest weakness?

guy: i’m bad at giving rhymed answers to questions.

 

______

 

1

man: I’ve read a great deal on matters philosophical. What are we, why are we, where are we going.

 

2

man: And the only thing I can come to is that although it’s all pointless, evolution has accidentally given us the ability perceive our own existence, and the awareness that there are things we like.

 

3

man: between those two, you can form a closed loop of meaningfulness

 

4

man: and if you accept this notion, there is a clear conclusion – that one must embrace humanness. embrace low pleasure. embrace high pleasure. embrace love, embrace hate. be afraid, be brave, be little and big.

 

5

woman: so what are you doing today?

 

6

man: grading essays on kant

woman: embracing the hate then?

man: bingo.

 

_____

idea: if oujia boards work, within what amount of time will 90% of all messages by “destroy my porn!”

[[note to self:]]

 

idea: area graph of difficulty in reading area graphs over time (subidea: big spike of confusion toward end, then spike of anger)

 

1046

 

professor talks to student

professor: sorry, this poem is incorrect. you forgot a minus sign in stanza 3.

 

______

 

header: how to solve a physics problem

(each sentence has a thumbnail image

 

1

write out all information and equations

 

2

draw a free body diagram

 

3

solve

 

4

get wrong answer

 

5

check calculations. get new wrong answer.

 

6

redo calculations. get third wrong answer.

 

7

special pleading

(image of guy saying “maybe if i average my answers then take the square root…”)

 

8

check for errata

(image of guy saying “stupid authors got the stupid answer wrong”)

 

9

find none

(guy saying “okay, the authors are stupid and every physics student and professor is too, and… OH GOD)

 

10

Locate algebra error

 

11

Get fourth wrong answer

 

12

Locate additional algebra errors

 

13

Get right answer

 

14

Feel intelligent

(person: I spent 4 hours today on a single math problem.)

 

15

Realize problem has 6 more sections

 

16

Become poet

 

______

 

header: why math is soothing

 

header: normal person

 

left graph: intensity of anxiety (fluxuates)

right graph: number of sources of anxiety (many and fluxuating)

 

header: person working a math problem

left graph: intensity of anxiety (fluxuates)

right graph: goes to 1, stays at 1.

 

_____

 

Remember the last time you got dumped? Remember how you became an intolerable philosopher for a month?

 

Remember how you were suddenly an epistemological voyager, prepared to stare directly into the void? Remember how the void stared back, but you in your heightened awareness were indifferent to its gaze?

 

Most people say the lesson here is that when you’re dumped you become dumb.

 

That’s true.

 

But there’s something else. You were led to question the nature of reality – from the meaning of human life to the subjectivity of the universe. You questioned everything and were dubious of the answers.

 

Which tells you something strange – that your entire cosmology is lensed at the level of your mind’s eye. That the lens is soft and pliable.

 

That your view of the nature of a proton depends to a great extent on whether there’s a conspecific nearby who’s willing to hold your hand.

______

 

1047

 

man reads book

man: wow! instead of being angry about 20 things distant things, i’m really angry about one local thing!

 

caption: this is why math is soothing

 

_____

 

1

woman: he broke up with you?!

woman 2: it doesn’t make sense. i gave him the highest compliment a mathematician can give!

 

2

header: earlier

woman 2 talks to man

woman 2: the fact that I love you is trivial

_____

 

header: life got a lot worse after the total consilience of art and science

 

professor: sorry, this poem is incorrect. you forgot a minus sign in stanza 3.

 

_____

 

 

______

 

1

building of evil, labeled “Legion of Economic Supervillains”

voice: as we all know, the demand curve ALWAYS slopes downard

 

2

(villain shows graph to other villains)

villain: the lower the price, the more people consume.

 

3

villain: i have the power to decrease the value of any good. by lowering the cost of soda to 0, i can raise consumption to infinity, causing all people to burst from overconsumption. HAHAHA!

other villains: HUZZAH!

 

4

header: soon..

villain: AND SO MADAME PRESIDENT, unless you give us a billion dollars we will explode everyone.

 

5

president: impossible. real people don’t behave like simple demand curves predict

villain: OH. well what if I…

 

6

snaps fingers

 

7

villain: lowered the price of popsicles to zero.

 

8

president: i wouldn’t change in any w-OH MY GOD

 

9

(president is holding two popsicles in each hand)

 

10

president eats popsicles

president: CAN’T. STOP. CONSUMING! SO. CHEAP!

villain: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

_____

 

1

interrogator talks to man

interrogator: so, i hear you have a cat

man: correct

 

2

interrogator: anything special or unique about it? anything that makes it just not like everyone else’s cat? that makes it anything but more or less the same as every other domestic cat?

man: no sir.

 

3

interrogator: AHA!

 

4

interrogator grips man’s face

 

5

pulls off face to reveal robot head

 

6

robot: how did you know

interrogator: you machines will never understand humans

 

_____

 

1

girl talks to guy

girl: i think we should be… just friends

 

2

guy: really?! just friends? like friends who defend justice

girl: PRECISELY

 

3

(they start walking. she holds up costumes)

girl: i said “we need to talk” because we need to talk about the costumes i’ve invented that allow us to fly and shoot lightning

 

4

(she holds up photo of evil ninja)

girl: and about the shadow being cast over asia by a mysterious villain known only as Ashiarai Yashiki. he must be stopped, but time is running out, Tom.

 

5

girl: time is running out tom. tom. tom! tom! tom!

 

6

(back to panel 1)

girl: TOM! i’m trying to break up with you! are you even listening?!

 

______

 

 

______

 

1

human talks to ball of light

human: why is there life in the universe?

 

2

ball: well, with the fundamental constants set to random values, what you call a “universe” will develop life one time in 109275771270570128

 

2

ball: in a finite amount of time, those universes scream out in existential horror just before their heat deaths

 

3

ball: so a clever way for us to divide a big number by 109275771270570128 is to take that number, create that many universes, and then listen for screams

 

4

human not impressed

 

5

human: why would you create whole universes of life just for them to die in entropy?

 

6

ball: one in 90823750187 universes contain sociopathic math-obsessed life. our universe was created to solve that kind of division problem

 

7

human: so… the purpose of *my* life

ball: is to have really really distant descendants die really really loudly.

 

1048

 

1

heade: eden

god: eve, i have one rule: don’t eat adam. that’s the one thing i forbid. good? tomorrow, i’ll teach you the knowledge of good and evil.

 

2

(eve eats bloody hunks of adam)

eve: you don’t tell me what to do! nobody tells humans what to do! NOBODY!

 

3

header: eden 2

god: okay, eve, don’t eat from… uh… this tree.

 

_____

 

man talks to young girls

man: yeah right. if those things really worked, by now all you’d ever get would be “DESTROY MY PORN BEFORE ANYONE FINDS IT.”

 

caption: dad managed to ruin oujia boards forever.

 

______

 

1

human talks to ball of light

human: why is there life in the universe?

 

2

ball: well, with the fundamental constants set to random values, what you call a “universe” will develop life one time in 109275771270570128

 

2

ball: in a finite amount of time, those universes scream out in existential horror just before their heat deaths

 

3

ball: so a clever way for us to divide a big number by 109275771270570128 is to take that number, create that many universes, and then listen for screams

 

4

human not impressed

 

5

human: what about the possibility of life transcending time and space to attain beauty and perfect

ball: oh yeah, that’s possible

 

6

ball: but how often do you need to divide by 1012837598237592698712908798719285691726597166098302938?

 

_______

 

1

woman: time machines don’t make sense

man: why not? step in the machine, press a button, go to a different time.

 

2

woman: suppose it works that way. what happens if you put one machine inside the other and have the outer one go back while the inner one goes forward?

 

3

woman: you end up with two devices, one of which is supposed to be inside the other, but which can’t be because it’s not at the same time. the time part makes sense but space doesn’t.

 

4

man: well, okay. what if the outer time machine creates its own internal time while it’s traveling. then, the inner time machine only travels forward in internal time.

woman: STUPID

 

5

woman: suppose you put a person in each of THOSE machines. the person doesn’t age while he goes back in time and the inner person doesn’t age while going forward in the internal time machine.

 

6

woman: then the inner one gets out. now they’re in the same time AND space, but one’s from the future, but they’re the same age. how is that-

man: HRRKKG

 

7

woman: dammit. they always have aneurysms before i get to the really weird stuff.

 

________

1050

 

1

boy: daddy! daddy! i had a nightmare that you and I were attacked by clowns

 

2

man looks away

 

3

man reaches in pocket

man: that was no dream

 

4

man, in horror, holds up clown nose

 

5

header: earlier

woman: why do you always have a clown nose in your pocket?

man: because one day the moment will come

 

_____

 

header: this is what i imagine it’s like to study T. Rex

 

1

person shows dinosaur bones to tour group

person: and that’s why we believe the common ancestor to be

kid: HEY! DID YOU KNOW T REX HAS *TINY* ARMS?

 

2

person (full of fury): NO. NO ONE HAS EVER NOTICED THAT

 

______

 

______

 

header: this is why mathematizing social science scares me

 

two people in heaven

person 1: why were you executed?

person 2: stray minus sign.

______

 

1

header: good parenting

girl: why do i have to go to school?

man: to learn

girl: why?

man: so you can do interesting things

girl: why?

man: so you’ll be happy

girl: why?

 

2

header: existential parenting

girl: why do i have to go to school?

man: there is no “why” in this world of shadows

 

________

 

1

header: how is this?

man: too many people are failing out of university. what if we relax academic standards?

 

2

header: different from this?

man: too many people are dying before they reach 100 years. what if we make the earth go around the sun faster?

 

______

 

_____

 

man in scout uniform, surrounded by boyscouts, tells story around campfire with flashlight pointing up at his face.

 

man: if a tiny parasite started eating your brain and very slowly replacing your mind with its body, you would not at any point in the process realize you were being killed.

 

caption: philosophers are no longer welcome at summer camp.

 

______

 

1051

 

1

little boy and man in costume shop

 

2

boy points to clown wigs

boy: [clown wigs image]?

 

3

man: [image of clowns]

 

4

boy, horrified, imagines clowns in chains being led to guillotine

 

________

1

boy: daddy! daddy! i had a nightmare that you and I were attacked by clowns

 

2

man looks away, reaches into his pocket.

 

3

man, in horror, holds up clown nose

man: that was no dream!

 

5

(other setting. woman holds up pair of pants near laundry machine)

woman: why do you always have a clown nose, shark tooth, and giant eyeball in your pockey?

man: no reason

 

______

 

1

header: if people knew who i really was, i don’t know how they’d take it

(superman flies)

 

2

header: even the most patriotic of actions can be portrayed as treason

(superman lands near phone booth)

 

3

header: that’s why I keep a secret identity

(superman puts on suit, tie, glasses)

 

4

header: it’s where the real power is

(clark kent types at computer. computer reads “NSA behavior revealed”

 

1049

 

1

man: i got a bag that has infinite +1 and -1 signs in it. when you add them up, they sum to zero.

 

2

man: if I feel around for a +1 and take it out, it therefore still contains infinite +1 and -1 signs.

 

3

man: so, the sum is now 1 + 0.

 

4

man: in fact, if i take out infinite +1s, the sum is infinity + 0.

 

5

man: what can you conclude from this?

 

6

student (agitated): that either the bag is insane or I am.

man: you are now prepared to learn mathematics!

 

______

 

header: funtime activity: casually accusing people of machiavellianism

 

man: i’m hungry. we should buy lunch.

woman: OH, so you’re saying THE END JUSTIFIES THE MEANS?

______

 

 

______

 

man: i base my view of human nature on a 6 day long study of 22 nonrandom individuals in which the experimenter actively existed inside the experiment

 

caption: this is what i hear when people cite the zimbardo prison experiment.

1052

header:

pro tip: the “Quantum” in quantum mechanics refers only to the existence of discrete entities

 

man: i only work with one ass at a time

woman: so you’re a-

man: quantum proctologist

 

________

 

image: jesus, with crown of thorns looks up as birds nest in his crown

 

caption: today just went from bad to worse for jesus

 

______

 

1

woman in suit: welcome to the morale booster program

 

2

woman in suit: due to low morale, sales are down.

 

3

woman in suit: for that reason, we’ve been unable to pay for a proper morale boost program

 

4

woman in suit: so, we’ll need you to come in on weekends to design it

 

5

guy: isn’t that a vicious cycle?

 

6

woman in suit: oh, that reminds me, we’ve figured a way for you to generate your own electricity while working

(woman presents bicycle hooked to computer at cubicle)

 

______

 

1

man sees mountain

 

2

man: if i could just get to the top of that mountain, i’d be happy

 

3

man climbs

 

4

and climbs

 

5

and climbs

 

6

reaches top

 

7

smiles

 

8

frowns

 

9

can now see many other mountains

 

10

full of sadness

man: i couldn’t see these down there.

 

______

 

 

______

 

man and woman in bed. man with head between woman’s legs

woman: why do you always do that counterclockwise motion?

man: we’re 40 degrees north of the equator. clockwise cunnilingus is impossible without mechanical assistance

 

caption:

life tip: people will believe anything you say if it involves Coriolis force.

_____

 

header: life tip: once you’re married you don’t need good pickup lines

man: baby, my erections are so weak, city hallwants them condemned.

 

______

 

 

_____

 

19th century man yells at other 19th century man

man 1: when you gaze into the abyss too long, the abyss gazes back at you

 

caption:

fun fact:

“the abyss” was Nietzsche’s rapping name

______

1053

 

1

header: we completed science

(beautiful city)

voice: that wasn’t so hard after all

voice 2: who would’ve thought badgers would be the key to everything?

 

2

header: at which point the only thing left to do was create beauty

(two boxes, one marked ‘objective’ and one ‘subjective’. first is checked off. second is circled)

 

3

header: humanity became a race of artists

person: beauty is truth, truth beauty. it’s like energy-mass equivalence, but we haven’t found the conversion factor yet.

 

4

header: the quickest way to get ahead in the art world is to appear to be insane

man points to empty podium

woman: this is my sculpture

woman 2: what is?

man: my pointing hand.

woman 2: sooo deeeeeep.

 

5

header: the best way to appear to be insane is to be insane

man wields jar with organ in it

man: SURGEON PULLED AN ART OUTTA ME CAUSE I SMOKE TOO MUCH

 

6

header: a serious reproductive advantage was conferred upon the craziest people

(insane man surrounded by attractive women)

man: plrgghgggg, harghzhhhhhhh!

woman: he’s so deep he doesn’t need words.

 

7

header: humanity imperceptibly become madder and madder, reaching depths of lunacy never before dreamt

woman: let’s go to dunkin donuts when other options are available

woman 2: awesome!

 

8

header: the gravest consequences were the most pragmatic

woman: i’ve created an avant garde sanitation system. it confronts people with the amount of waste they produce

 

9

header: the collapse was inevitable and swift

man on top of giant bomb: i made an art that will explode humanity back 50,000 years!

10

header: at which point reproductive advantage shifted to the least artistic humans

ragged people

woman: i’m gonna go consume calories and mate with the alpha

man: i’m gonna draw abstract oxen on this wall

woman: good luck with that

 

11

header: sanity being regained, civilization was reborn.

(beautiful city)

 

12

header: you are living in the 429th cycle

(graph of human population cycling)

 

13

header: remember that the next time you’re at a museum of modern art

two guys look at abstract painting

guy 1: i don’t get this one.

guy 2: exactly.

guy 1: what does that even mean?

guy 2: oh, sorry. i’m a performance artist and my thing is saying “exactly” to confused people

 

14

header: and the next time you read of a new discovery

scientist: why do badgers keep showing up in my calculations?

 

_______

man: i found a way to increase your expected lifespan 20 years

woman: how?

man: step over this invisible line

woman: riiiiiiight.

 

caption: national borders are weird

 

______

 

1

man: i don’t love you. you don’t love me.

 

2

man: we should probably get a divorce

 

3

man: but we’re both so complacent there hasn’t been a single inciting incident strong enough to compel either of us to action.

 

4

man: we’re like a bottle of liquid water slowly taken well below 0 degrees. cold enough to destroy its container, but lacking the ever-so-small motion required for change

 

5

man flicks bottle of water

 

6, 7

water spreads through container, breaking it

 

8

woman: oh man! that was really cool!

man: i know. i spent weeks planning this!

woman: WOW!

 

9

beat

 

10

man: yeah.

 

11

woman: so… it’s tuesday night

man: tuesday night is separate movie night!

 

_______

 

man: baby, i don’t mean to brag, but I’m a student-loans-paid-offionaire.

 

1054

 

1

dorothy and the oz characters

dorothy: oh my god! there is no wizard of oz! it’s just a man behind a curtain!

 

2

oz: technically, both are true. yes, i’m the man behind the curtain, but i also have a vast technological apparatus, a horde of secret knowledge, and decades of cultural inertia

 

3

oz: now that you know there’s a man behind the curtain, you should be *more* awed. for a real wizard, worldly puissance is trifling

 

4

oz: but for a man, the achievement of absolute monotechnocracy takes a level of single-mindedness and dispassion than verges on madness, or perhaps madness’s cold mirror. a god made man is as weak as a paupered prince. but you, my strange invaders, are looking at the opposite.

 

6

oz: did you wonder why i would put myself behind a mere curtain? why not a wall? why not a bunker? why not a crystal case?

 

7

oz: you see, i like to be found out now and then. i like to help. for when i give to the needy few i am absolved of what i will have done to the unknown many

 

8

they look sad

 

9

oz: now then, you can either persist in your dull revelation, OR you can close the curtain and return to your world where good and power can alloy without wicked dross, and where the broken vessels of your lives can be made whole by the caprice of an inscrutable demigod

 

10

group thinks

 

11

tin man: second one, please

 

12

header: soon…

giant machine: and you may have a brain!

 

_______

 

1

man: i don’t love you. you don’t love me. we should probably get a divorce

 

2

man: but there hasn’t been a single incident strong enough to compel either of us to action.

 

3

man takes out bottle of water

man: we’re like this bottle of liquid water slowly taken well below 0 degrees celsius. it has the proper conditions for change, but lacks the ever-so-small motion required to begin the process.

4

man flicks bottle of water

5, 6

water spreads through container, breaking it

7

woman: oh man! that was really cool!

man: i know. i spent weeks planning this. it’s the perfect metaphor.

woman: WOW! yeah, it really is.

8

beat

9

man: yeah.

woman: yep.

10

woman: so… it’s tuesday night

man: tuesday night is separate movie night!

 

_______

 

1

woman and man in bed

woman: do you lay awake at night and wonder that the baby inside me will never stop growing?

 

2

woman: that it will never escape my body, but just grow and grow until it’s bigger than you and then bigger than the house, and then the city?

 

3

woman: until it’s just some massive incarnation of the reproductive impulse, created by evolution and hardened by life, culminating in this one being whose importance dwarfs and shames that of all other life forms in the history of creation?

 

4

woman: and then it’ll keep expanding until it and i, bound in the most intimate connection, collapse into a black hole, and in the consummate act of motherhood, we sacrifice our bodies to calve an infinity of new universes?

 

5

man: most nights i think about work, or star wars.

 

6

woman: i don’t think the pregnancy has quite hit you for real yet

man: mostly star wars, if i’m being honest.

 

_____

 

 

______

1055

 

man talks to classroom

man: now, we identify three kingdoms of life: meat, not-meat, and meat-but-pointy

 

caption: what if Linnaeus had been a cat?

 

_______

 

man and woman with hands out. woman’s hand is flat shape palm down.

man: paper wins, but like all victories it is both temporary and pointless

 

caption: my favorite game is “rock, paper, scissors, creeping sense of emptiness”

 

1056

 

header: the first victim of technological acceleration was standup comedy

 

man: when i was a kid, you’d ask a girl out and actually *talk* to her. nowadays, time is stored in a one-dimensional pseudocloud within which the notion of causality is meaningless. am i right? the fellas know what i’m talkin’ about.

_____

 

1

reporter: why do you need all this information on citizens?

man at podium: raison d’etat.

 

2

man at podium: oops, sorry. slip of the tongue.

 

3

man at podium: it’s metadata.

 

______

 

1

young man: dad, how do i know if she loves me?

man: you’re 17. its irrelevant

 

2

man: the number of physiological, emotional, and social changes she will encounter in the next 500 days are so staggering, that the opinion of the current iteration of her will be about as relevant to the future her as the opinion of the last president is to the current one

 

3

man: even if she loves you, truly and deeply, that loving individual will be unrecoverably obliterated in a historical instant.

 

4

(young man holds up wrist with yarn bracelet)

young man: so, do you think the friendship bracelet is a good sign or a bad sign?

man: friendship bracelet? oh, you’re really screwed, kid.

 

_____

 

 

_______

 

1

cop: release the hostages and we’ll give you whatever you want!

 

2

man: i want to be as carefree as I was at age 10, as excited as I was at age 20, as confident as I was at age 30, and as empowered as I was at age 40!

 

3

cop: we can do that for you! but you have to accept that the present, though a result of the past, still exists unto itself!

 

4

man: no deal, copper! my self-assessment is entirely governed by endless analysis of missed opportunities and mistakes!

 

5

voice on cop’s headset: sir, we’ve got a clear shot. do we take it.

 

6

different setting. cop at desk with gun

cop: i don’t know

 

[[too sad?]]

 

_______

 

______

 

1

cop: release the hostages and we’ll give you whatever you want!

 

2

man: i want to be as carefree as I was at age 10, as excited as I was at age 20, as confident as I was at age 30, and as empowered as I was at age 40!

 

3

cop: we’ve got that down here! just release the hostages!

 

4

header: soon

(cops have man cuffed)

man: so where is it?! where?!

 

5

cop: oh, that’s easy. all you have to accept that the present, though a result of the past, still exists unto itself!

 

6

man: what?! but my self-assessment is entirely the result of my unrelenting analysis of missed opportunities and mistakes!

 

7

cop: well, you probably should’ve bargained for a ferrari or something

man: this is exactly the kind of thing i’m talking about!

 

______

1057

 

1

genie: you may have three wishes

boy: i wish for ten billion tons of gold!

 

2

genie: it is done. the price of gold has collapsed. you now possess a mountain of worthless yellow metal

 

3

boy: i wish prices weren’t inversely related to supply!

 

4

genie: it is done. price now scales with supply. your gold is worth some money, but isn’t nearly as valuable as common commodities like wheat and clean water. air now costs a hundred trillion dollars per breath. better stop.

 

5

boy: i wish i could afford to breathe!

 

6

genie: it is done. everyone else is will dead within 2 minutes. you killed them.

 

7

boy’s mouth gapes open in horror

 

8

man reads “econometric fables”

boy: is there a moral to this story?

man: take care sticking your ought in the is.

_____

 

dominatrix stands by man tied and hanging from ceiling

dominatrix: and by suspending the slave along 3 difference axes, we can exactly determine its center of mass!

 

caption: combining physics and sex ed saved the high school a lot of money.

 

______

 

man: i’m sorry, but i only engage in sexual congress via the 69 position

 

caption: vilfredo pareto was a terrible lover

 

______

 

 

______

 

1

genie: you may have three wishes

boy: i wish for ten billion tons of gold!

 

2

genie: it is done. the price of gold has collapsed. you now possess a mountain of worthless yellow metal

 

3

boy: i wish prices weren’t inversely related to supply!

 

4

genie: it is done. price now scales with supply. your gold is worth some money, but isn’t nearly as valuable as common commodities like wheat and clean water. air now costs a hundred trillion dollars per breath. better stop.

 

5

boy: i wish i could afford to breathe!

 

6

genie: it is done. everyone else is will dead within 2 minutes. you killed them.

 

7

boy’s mouth gapes open in horror

 

8

man reads “econometric fables”

boy: is there a moral to this story?

man: morality is an unnecessary hypothesis

________

 

1

people in board room

person 1: budget cuts. we’re going to have have to either cut sex ed. or physics

person 2: OR we could keep them and make both better AT THE SAME TIME

 

2

header: soon…

dominatrix stands by man tied and hanging from ceiling

dominatrix: and by suspending the slave along 3 difference axes, we can exactly determine its center of mass!

 

1058

 

1

man: can i give you my number?

woman: what? that’s a bit presumptuos

 

2

he hands her paper

 

3

woman: your number is 2? just 2?

man: yeah. my erdos number is two

 

4

she jumps to kiss him

 

_______

 

dominatrix stands by man tied and hanging from ceiling

dominatrix: and by suspending the slave along 3 difference axes, we can exactly determine its center of mass!

 

caption: there’s a way to get physics students to take notes. you’re just not willing to do it.

 

_______

 

1

god talks to angel

angel: we can’t create perfect beings. getting an exact solution would require more computing power than is available in a trillion multiverses

 

2

god: what if we use a genetic algorithm to “evolve” a solution over time

 

3

angel: it’s worth a try…

 

4

header: 14 billion years later…

god: show me the perfect beings!

angel: they’re not quite-

god: bring them to me!

 

5

weird looking humans

human 1: HI GOD!

god: what in the…

 

6

god: are you supposed to look like that?

voice off screen: like what?

god: stop having sex with that cloud!

voice: it was shaped like a butt!

 

1059

 

1

man in suit: if gay people can get married, next it’ll be bestiality or child marriage!

man: uh, no. until you can find a child or dog capable of granting legal consent, there’s no slippery slope

 

2

man in suit: i thought you’d bring that up, so i fused a child to a dog and then fed it a cocktail of chemicals so it would develop a massive cerebral cortex

 

3

man: why would you do that?!

 

4

(monster child-dog with giant brain)

monster: MAAAAAAAAH!

man in suit: RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

 

______

 

1

boy: i turned 9 today. i’m not sure i got everything i could’ve out of 8.

2

boy: it’s a shame years are only a year long. you can’t ever roll yourself up in your experience of them.

3

boy: just for one year, i’d like time to slow down. maybe even stop. i’d like to be like a character from Peanuts, experiencing the age of 7 forever, exploring its every crevice and mining its every treasure

4

girl: but time goes quicker when you’re happy. the only place where time stands still is an unlit dungeon.

5

boy: so you’re saying i can either have a brief happy life or a long sad life?

girl: pretty much

6

boy: now i’m depressed

girl: lucky you

 

_______

 

1060

 

woman: I’d assassinate President McKinley before he started World War 0. In fact… would you excuse me for a moment?

 

caption: this is the proper response to “what would you do with a time machine?”

 

_____

 

header: the following construction works for any object

man holds sandwich

man: this? it’s an analog computer for calculating the trajectory of a falling sandwich

 

______

 

cut-out lines surround the word “bruce wayne”

 

caption: Math Tip: The above can seamlessly be added to any list of identities.

 

________

 

 

______

 

1

man talks to toddler

man: hey lil’ monkey. can you tell daddy what you have when you’ve got one finger and then you add another finger?

 

2

toddler kind of holds up two digits

toddler: Towo fingaw!

 

3

header: later

(man at office pridefully talks to other men)

man: well, my three year old solved for the sum of two halves of the pi-tau conversion constant.

 

____

 

1

man: i propose we split the baby in two and give each of you half

 

2

woman 1: NO! please no!

woman 2: that’s fine

 

3

man (to woman 1): aha! i can tell by your care for the child that you are the true mother

 

4

man: and you. holy crap lady. you were cool with the baby getting cut in half?

woman: i dunno. wasn’t my kid.

 

5

man: but what do you do with half a baby anyway? it’s like having half a bucket.

 

6

woman: whoa, hey. if i’d have known it’d be a BIG FREAKIN’ DEAL i wouldn’t have gone around claiming random babies, okay?

 

7

(change of scene, two girls in nice clothes read)

girl 1: no improvising on your bible passages!

girl 2: story makes no sense!

________

 

header: life tip: everything is an analog computer of itself

man holds cheese

man: this machine is running a perfect simulation of cheese, faster than any supercomputer.

_______

 

Q: Which of these doesn’t belong?

 

1) a+0=a

2) a*1 = a

3) a+b = b+a

4) clark kent

A: You, in nerd society, if you said (4)

 

______

 

 

a way to stop gerrymandering:

 

the word “gerrymandering” has to be able to fit in each district, and take up ⅓ of its area.

 

example: (nice square)

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